Master of the Game
by tongue in cheek scribe
Summary: Lord Elrond is left behind after the last ship sails for Valinor. Bored to tears, he decides to go to Mirkwood to find Gimli and Legolas, and join them in their adventures. AU - sort of. Non-canon. PG-13 - mature situations and language. Please R&R!
1. 20 Questions

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Tolkien created them, wrote them, published them, and is stuck with them for all eternity. I should be so lucky...

**Master of the Game**

**Summery: **_Lord Elrond is left behind after the last ship sails for Valinor. Bored to tears, he decides to journey to Mirkwood to find Gimli and Legolas, and join them in their adventures. AU - sort of. Non-canon. PG-13 for mature situations and language._

**Chapter 1**

**20 Questions**

Lord Elrond, the Half-Elven, strolled through the gardens surrounding his home in Rivendell. It was a glorious spring night - the air fragrant with sweet blossoms; the sky lit by a soft yellow moon and the twinkling of a million stars. He was serenaded in his wandering by the whispers of crickets and the rustle of the breeze as it blew gently through the dew-laden trees.

He couldn't have been more bored if his life depended on it.

"Why did I EVER get off that ship?" he asked himself for the six billionth time. "I could have - right now, at this very moment- been having wild, unbridled, feverish sex with Celebrian in Valinor! But noooo, I just had to make one more potty stop before we left!" He mentally slapped himself upside his braided head.

He remembered running up to the dock, holding up his leggings with one hand, calling out after the ship as it pulled away.

"STOP! You forgot me!" he had cried, waving his free hand in a frenzy.

"I told you to go before we left Rivendell!" Gandalf had shouted back, waving goodbye. Frodo, Bilbo, and Galadrial had stood on deck, snickering and waving.

He had stood there and watched until the ship disappeared from sight.

"Really!" Elrond thought, picking up a stone and skimming across a small pond, "they didn't have to leave without me...it isn't like they didn't have ETERNITY to get to Valinor! I'm sure they all thought it was very funny. 'Let's leave Elrond to walk Middle Earth forever - Ha, ha, ha.' Bloody mother-in-law was probably the instigator. Never did like me."

"So, now what do I do? I could go and move in with Aragorn and Arwen...wouldn't he just LOVE that! I could spend all my time doing the eyebrow thing whenever Aragorn got too close to my daughter." Elrond snickered to himself, enjoying the mental picture. "Nah, I really would like a grandchild, and there is nothing that is more of a mood-spoiler than a meddling in-law - I should know. Galadrial ALWAYS turned up at the most inopportune moments!"

Perhaps I should go and visit Rohan - take in the sights. I always did like that city. A little muddy, perhaps, but the food is good. Nah, Eowyn still blames me for Aragorn falling in love with Arwen - as if that were MY choice! Still, she'd likely beat the crap out of me if I showed up."

"The Shire, then, perhaps," he thought, skimming another stone. "The ale is quite strong there, and they DO know how to party! Nah...every ceiling there is only five feet high - I'd spend the entire time bent over in half. My butt would be too easy a target for those bizarre little Hobbits. Especially Merry and Pippin - I never knew two more annoying creatures. They short-sheeted my bed when they were here last."

"Forget Fangorn. I've no wish to hobnob with the Enks. It takes them an hour to get out a sentence. I always feel like I have to physically yank each word out of their mouths. Plus, all they ever want to talk about is 'trees this, and the forest that'...freaking environmentalists."

"Mordor is out of the question. I truly dislike the heat - it wreaks havoc with my hair," he pondered, twirling a braid in his fingers. "The humidity frizzes the hell out of it.

"The Mines of Moria are no picnic anymore since Gandalf fought the Balrog and ruined the architecture. Not to mention that the Dwarves were all killed by Orcs and the Cave Troll...likely to be no good conversation THERE any time soon!" Elrond sighed, and walked to a stone bench in the garden. Planting himself, he crossed his legs, his fingers drumming a beat on his thigh.

"Mirkwood, then? A visit to King Thranduil? Now, there's a thought! Nice, clean, Elven environment...lembas to die for! They talk to the trees, but at least they aren't uppity about it. I could even look up old Gimli and Legolas...the Dwarf, at least, is always good for a laugh!" Elrond smiled at the idea of a trip to Mirkwood.

"It's decided, then!" he thought, pleased with his decision. He stood and started to walk back to his rooms, his spirit uplifted for the first time since he missed the boat.

He climbed the whitewashed staircase that led to the upper levels of his home, and entered what had once been his private quarters. Now, of course, all of Rivendell was his private retreat, since all of the other Elves had gone on to Valinor. Without him.

"Bloody mother-in-law," he repeated to himself again, yanking open the armoire that held his robes. He pulled out a leather satchel and began packing what essentials he thought he might need for the journey.

"Let's see...formal robes? Yes, I suppose Thranduil will want to have some type of celebration when I arrive...he'll use any excuse to instigate some drunken debauchery. What else? Hmmm...perhaps the lighter weight robes as well - I don't remember how warm it gets in Mirkwood this time of year. Don't want to sweat my ying-yang off in this woolen one if it winds up being too hot," he thought, folding and stuffing the robes into his valise. He tossed in some personal hygiene items as well, then tied up the satchel with a long, leather thong.

Running down to the kitchen, he searched the cupboards for any lembas that might have been left behind by the departing Elves. He found a few loaves, wrapped in leaves and stored on a high shelf. Taking them, he tossed them into a travelling pouch. He took the pouch with him back up to his rooms.

Setting the valise and travelling pouch on the side of his bed, he quickly undressed for the night.

He flopped onto the bed, fully intent on getting an early start in the morning. His last conscious thoughts were of himself, wringing Galadrial's neck on the shores of Valinor. He fell asleep with a smile on his face.


	2. Uno

**Disclaimer**: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters - I just like to borrow them from time to time. **Me:** Hey, Mister Tolkien, may I borrow a cup of sugar? Oh, and I also need two boxes of Jello, some sardines, and a just a little bit of prune juice. **Tolkien:** Sorry, I'm out. How about borrowing my LOTR characters, instead? **Me:** That'll do.

**Chapter 2**

**UNO**

Morning sunlight streamed in through the open window of Elrond's bedroom, dust particles dancing in the beams. The Rivendell Lord lay on his back on his bed, one arm tucked under his head, silky strands of ebony hair lying across his face. Snoring loudly.

The snores reverberated throughout the empty room, echoing off of the white walls and high ceilings. Each mighty inhale sucked a tendril of hair into his mouth; each exhale sent it fluttering up in the air over his face. A thin line of drool snaked down from the corner of his mouth. He was not a pretty sight.

Eventually, the bright sunlight and his own thunderous snores woke him. Stretching lazily, Elrond sat up in bed, throwing off the covers. Planting his feet on the cold stone floor, he wiped the drool from his mouth with the side of his hand. After a immense, jaw-cracking yawn, his first conscious thought was of breakfast.

He reached over to the small table next to his bed, picking up an elaborately carved silver bell. He jingled the bell, and sat waiting for the chambermaid to bring him his breakfast. He waited...and waited...and waited. Elrond was never at his brightest first thing in the morning. It took him a while before he realized that there was no chambermaid to bring breakfast - or any cook to make it. He was on his own.

"Damn!" he cried, throwing the silver bell across the room when he realized he needed to scrounge up breakfast himself. "I swear, by Arda, that someday I will get to Valinor, if I have to strap a board to my ass and float all the way there. And when I do, I am going to pull each and every hair out of Galadrial's head!"

He took a deep breath, calming himself, running his fingers through his hair. His fingers immediately became stuck in the braids he had forgotten to take out the night before. Grimacing, he pulled his fingers loose from the tangle, and rubbed the sore spot on his head.

It had been centuries since Elrond had had to care for himself - he was used to others doing it for him.

Sighing, he rose and walked to the water closet that adjoined his room. He made use of the chamber pot, wrinkling his nose at the stench, since it hadn't been emptied the day before when the last of the Elves had left. He used the stale water in a pitcher on a stand near the pot to wash his face. Peering into the reflecting glass that hung over the pitcher stand, he tried to unbraid the knotted mess on his head. Finally unbraided, he ran an ivory comb through his locks, wincing every time he hit a snag.

"Argh! I don't understand how people can bear to do this for themselves everyday. It never used to hurt when my attendant combed my hair..." He tried rebraiding his hair in the traditional Elven style, missing several strands along the way, and sloppily tying the knots at the ends. It really didn't look much better than when he first arose. He plopped his mithril crown atop his head, setting it at a rather jaunty angle.

Eventually, when he felt that he had done all that he could to look presentable without the aid of his personal valet, Elrond dressed in his travelling clothes. Pulling on his boots, and fastening his travelling pouch around his waist, he carried his valise downstairs to the kitchen.

On a table in the kitchen, Elrond spotted a bowl that held a couple of bruised apples. "Not much of a breakfast, but I suppose it will do." he said to himself, paring the apples with a small pocketknife, and carefully cutting away the brown spots.

Finishing the apples, he took his valise and walked over to the well just outside the kitchen. He helped himself to a long drink of water, and filled a canteen with the crystal clear liquid. Hanging the canteen from his belt, he headed for the stables.

He was nearly there before he realized that there would not be any horses in the stable...they had been set free before the last of the Elves had left.

"Damn, damn, double damn!" He cried, stamping his feet in frustration. "I have to WALK? I NEVER have to WALK! I haven't walked ANYWHERE since the First Age! I'm nearly 7,000 years old...there are supposed to be benefits that come with age. NOT walking ANYWHERE is one of them!" He let out a tremendous sigh, allowing his shoulders to slump in defeat. "No use standing here grumbling about it, I suppose. That won't get me a ride, and daylight's wasting. But this trip is NOT going to be as much fun as I thought."

Elrond reluctantly turned from the stable and set out on the path the would lead him out of Rivendell and up into the Misty Mountains.

Walking for several hours, he reached the beginnings of the foothills of the mighty Misty Mountains. He searched beneath the pines of the foothills to find a stout branch he could use as a walking stick, since he knew the High Pass could be treacherous. Finding one, he set upon the path that wound up through the foothills into the mountains.

Night fell while he was still climbing the foothills. Having reached a place in the foothills strewn with rocks and scrubby plants, he made camp in the shadow of an enormous gray boulder. Gathering twigs and kindling, he managed to make a small fire without burning himself too badly.

Taking off his boots and wincing at the smell he released, he rubbed his sore feet, noticing in passing that his nails needed trimming. "Yech! I could slice an apple with these things," he thought, running his finger along the sharp, yellowed edge of his big toe. "First thing I'm going to do when I reach Mirkwood is get a pedicure." He reached up to rub the aching back of his neck. "And a massage. Preferably by a beautiful, young elleth wearing a smile and little else," he grinned lecherously.

He unwrapped a piece of lembas, and sat chewing, staring at the dancing flames. "I wonder what everyone is doing in Valinor, right now? I suppose Galadrial will be trying to take center stage, as usual. Probably told Celebrian that I missed the boat on purpose. I'd like to drown her in her own scrying mirror. Bilbo is probably already in his cups, if I know that old wino...Frodo is probably boring everyone to tears reenacting his fight with Gollum. That old pervert, Gandalf, is probably flirting with every young thing in a skirt...gods, I wish I was there!"

He lay down near the fire, stuffing his valise under his head as a pillow. Drawing his cloak up around him, he drifted to off to sleep.

"


	3. Ants in the Pants

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. I don't make one thin dime from this...so why do I do it? It's an addiction. Really. I need to find a FanFiction Anonymous Chapter in my neighborhood and join the 12 Step Program. Step 1: Admitting we are powerless over our compulsion to borrow characters and settings that are not our own. Okay, I admit it. That wasn't so hard.

**Chapter 3**

**Ants in the Pants**

Elrond rolled over, grunting at the bumps in his mattress. "Oomph...I need to remember to have this thing turned. It's like sleeping on rocks!" He opened his eyes, confused for a moment at why someone had painted his ceiling bright blue. It took a little while for him to remember that he was not in his comfortable room in Rivendell, but lying on the not-comfortable-in-the-least foothills of the Misty Mountains.

Sitting up, he rolled his neck, trying to work out the kinks that had settled in over night. "Eww...my tongue tastes like an old stocking," he thought, scraping it against his teeth. He reached for his canteen to wash out his fuzzy mouth, when, from the corner of his eye, he caught a slight movement. Turning his head, he saw a scrawny looking gray squirrel sitting several yards away holding Elrond's travelling pouch in its buckteeth.

"Hey! That's my breakfast! Give that back, you mangy tree rat!" he cried, leaping to his feet.

The squirrel chattered at him, then turned and scampered off into the trees, taking Elrond's travelling pouch with it.

"Oh, for the love of Eru!" Elrond swore, kicking at the remains of his fire. "I don't believe it! Can this get any worse? Stuck in Middle Earth, having to fend for myself, and now this! What am I supposed to do for breakfast? Suck on a rock?" He sullenly picked up his valise, flung his cloak around his shoulders, and headed toward the stand of trees where the squirrel disappeared. "If I catch that moth-eaten weasel, I am definitely having squirrel stew for lunch!" he thought as he entered the wood.

Elrond scanned the forest floor and the treetops, hoping to spot the squirrel. After nearly an hour of searching, he began to despair of ever retrieving his pouch.

"It's no use...that damnable creature is gone, and so is my food. I HATE squirrels!" he thought, frustrated and hungry. He began to backtrack through the wood to his former campsite, when he noticed a few clumps of small green plants with bright red berries growing low to the ground nearby.

"Strawberries!" he cried aloud, his eyes lighting up. "Wild strawberries...perfect for breakfast!" He sat himself down on the grass, and began plucking the tiny red berries from the plants. He stuffed them into his mouth as fast as he could pick them, red juice dripping down his chin. He ate as much as he could hold, then wrapped the remaining berries in a large leaf, placing it in his satchel for later. He reached for his canteen, and took a long swallow. Banging on his chest with his fist, he let out a loud, drawn-out belch. "Ahhh. Nothing like fresh berries in the morning," he thought, regaining some of his good mood from the day before.

He stood, brushing off clinging leaves and bits of grass from his leggings. Starting to walk back the way he had come, he suddenly became aware of a nasty stinging sensation on his rump. Rubbing his butt did nothing to dispel the feeling, rather, it intensified.

"Ouch! Ouch, ouch, ouch!" he cried, jumping around, swatting at the back of his leggings. He stopped, and quickly peeled off the garment, craning his head around to try to see his rear. His hand brushed his bare skin, and came back covered in ants.

"Damn! I HATE ants! I hate ants worse than I hate squirrels!" he yelled, dancing around in a circle, frantically swatting his own butt trying to rid himself of the pests. Remembering a stream he had passed on the way into the wood, Elrond made a beeline back the way he had come.

He threw himself into the stream bottom side first, squirming in relief as the water washed away the insects and cooled their bites. Sitting that way for quite a while, it occurred to him that he had left his leggings and satchel back in the forest.

Sighing, Elrond rose from the water, and gingerly rubbed his bottom. He removed his drenched cloak, laying it on the rocks along the edge of the streambed to dry. Making his way back to the wood, he retraced his steps to the spot where he had found the strawberry patch.

As he approached the strawberry patch, he froze, hearing snorting and snuffling sounds coming from just up ahead. Peeking through the leaves of a large bush, Elrond watched a giant wild warg rip through what remained of his satchel.

"I'm cursed," he thought, wincing as the warg ate his most formal robes, "that has to be it. Galadrial must have laid a big, fat one on me before she left me here to rot. There is no other possible explanation...I'm cursed. I might as well just lie down right here and let that warg dance the Tarantella on my head. How am I supposed to walk to Mirkwood without any pants?"

The warg's head came up, a sleeve of Elrond's robe sticking out of its tusked mouth. Elrond gulped, and slowly backed away from the clearing. He went back to the streambed, made another small fire, and sat desolately staring at the small, flickering flames, waiting for his cloak to dry.

The cloak was a heavy woolen one, perfect for the cold air he would encounter on the High Pass, and it took several hours before it was dry enough to wear. He flung it about his shoulders, fastening it closed in front, noticing with chagrin that it only covered him to mid thigh.

"One good breeze, and all of Mirkwood will see what is legend in Rivendell," he thought with a chuckle. He felt a little better at having found a little humor in his situation, though he knew he would never live it down if word of this reached Thranduil. He would need to find leggings of some type before he met with the King.

Luckily for him, he had not taken the time to pull on his boots before chasing the squirrel. They still sat next to the campfire from the night before. Pulling them on, he was grateful that he would not, at least, have to walk barefoot over the Misty Mountains.

Finding his way back to the strawberry patch, he picked over what remained of his satchel. Nothing was left fit to wear. The warg had eaten most of his clothes, except for one stocking and what may have been the drawstring to his leggings. He managed to salvage his mithril crown, though it was bent and misshapen from being trampled.

Sighing deeply, he forced the crumpled crown onto his head, and, stopping by the old campsite to pick up his walking stick, headed up the path toward High Pass.


	4. Tiddly Winks

**Disclaimer: **I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. I have an uncle who looks a _lot_ like Bilbo, but I don't think that counts. I also have an _aunt_ who looks a lot like Bilbo, but I don't think that counts, either.

**Chapter 4**

**Tiddly Winks**

**E**lrond clutched his cloak tightly around his shoulders, walking into the bitter wind on the High Pass. Unfortunately, that did little to warm his nether regions, which were turning a pretty shade of blue. Sans leggings, he was freezing his ying-yang off. "And here I was, worried about sweating!" he thought to himself, as he struggled against the wind.

Winding his way across the twisting, treacherous path had been difficult, at best. He was tired, hungry, and freezing...in other words, NOT in a good mood. He passed most of the time thinking up inventive ways to torture Galadrial when he at last made it to Valinor.

Finally, he made it across High Pass and began to descend the other side of the Misty Mountain range. Luckily for him, it was late spring, and the Pass was relatively clear.

Using his walking stick to brace his footing, he found the way down just as, if not more, unstable as the way up had been. About halfway down the mountain, his foot hit a patch of scree that had been hidden under a thin layer of powder. Losing his balance, he began slipping and sliding, end over end, down the side of the mountain, collecting more and more snow as he went. Within moments, he was trapped inside a giant snowball, rolling at high speed down toward the rocky bottom.

At the bottom of the mountain, the snowball hit a large boulder and broke apart. Lying there, stunned, cloak thrown over his head, blue butt to the wind, was how Elrond the Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell, Wearer of the Great Ring Vilya, was found by the Mirkwood scouts.

**"W**elcome back, Elrond. It's always good to see you," said a deep voice.

Elrond's eyes fluttered open, and he found himself looking into the twinkling, sapphire blue eyes of the golden haired King of Mirkwood.

"Of course, we've seen a little MORE of you today than would be normal..." Thranduil chuckled, obviously more than a little amused.

"Got a good, long look, did you, Thranduil? Didn't mean to show you up, you know..." Elrond said, closing his eyes again. He had a terrific headache, and every bone in body ached.

"LONG is not a word that I believe applies in your situation, Elrond," Thranduil shot back, laughing heartily at Elrond's expense. "Pray, tell me how you came to be rolling into my forest bare butt naked ...I thought you would be in Valinor doing the Big Nasty with Celebrian by now.'

"That WAS my intention, and I'll thank you not to refer to it so crudely," Elrond declared, trying to regain some dignity. "It was due to circumstances completely beyond my control that the ship sailed without me."

"Galadrial?" Thranduil asked, arching a brow.

"Aye. Or, as I prefer to call her, The Beastbitch of Lorien," Elrond sullenly replied. "As to how I came to be without leggings - it is a long, tiresome story that I will not use to bore you."

"Elrond, any story that involves YOU losing your knickers and ending up in giant snowball at the edge of my forest, could not possibly be boring," Thranduil said, clapping Elrond on the shoulder. "But I am sure my entire court will be equally enthralled as I when you tell it tonight at the celebration I have planned for you."

"I don't suppose you'll consider letting me beg off, will you? After all I did take a bit of a tumble today..."

"Not a chance, Elrond. The healers say that you're fine...I expect you to be there with balls on...er, bells on," Thranduil declared, rising from Elrond's bed, humor still evident in his voice. "I will see you tonight at dinner."

Elrond rolled his eyes, sighing. "I knew I wouldn't hear the end of it," he thought, watching Thranduil sweep from the room. Sighing again, he resigned himself to having to tell the whole embarrassing story that night at dinner.

**S**lowly, feeling every one of his 7,000 years, Elrond rose from the bed. He noted that formal robes had been provided for him, and hung neatly in the wardrobe next to the bed.

A servant stood respectfully nearby, ready to attend Elrond in his bath and dressing. The hot bath helped his aching bones, and, after he had dressed, he sat at the dressing table allowing the servant to fuss with his hair. He actually began to feel a little like his old self again.

'We'll see how long the court laughs at my expense tonight..." Elrond thought, as the attendant dutifully braided his hair, "after I tell them the story of that night in The Golden Wood of Lorien when Thranduil got so stone drunk that he made a pass at Haldir, and nearly got beaten to death for it!"

His ministrations ended, the servant bowed to Elrond, and left the room. Elrond stood before a long reflecting glass, collecting his thoughts before he needed to leave for the celebration.

"It could be worse," he thought, smoothing a wrinkle in the fine formal robes lent him by Thranduil. "At least Legolas and Gimli aren't here...Eru knows what torture I'd have to endure at the hands of the Dwarf."

His eye caught movement from behind him reflected in the glass, and he turned to face the door.

"Laddie!"


	5. Connect 4

**Disclaimer: **I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters.I would like to have them over for a backyard barbecue, though. **Gimli:** What the devil is this? **Me**: It's a hotdog. **Gimli**: It looks like a...it's perverted! **Me**: Yeah, I know...

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone who has reviewed! I try to email everyone, but if you don't have a link to email, then, obviously, I can't, so I'm thanking you here! Blue Autumn Sky - your emails keep coming back - so thank you! Also, two stories for you guys to check out - Click Your Heels Three Times by southerngirl4615; and Blazing Skye by Carefree Quill. First one's funny and inventive, ...second is a legomance, but a really hot one!

Chapter 5

**Connect 4**

"**L**addie! Good to see you! Gimme a hug!" Gimli cried as he launched himself at Elrond's midsection.

"Gimli, kindly remove your nose from my navel," Elrond said, prying the Dwarf's arms free of his waist. "It is good to see you, also. I hadn't expected to see you quite so soon upon my arrival..." he continued wryly. "And the Lord of the Wood, is he still with you?"

"Aye, Laddie, aye. We've been travelling together since the War. He be in counsel now, with his father," Gimli replied, taking a step back from Elrond. Looking up at the tall Elf, Gimli chuckled, "His father is still trying to get Legolas to commit to some young thing...like THAT'S bloody likely! The Elf is having too good a time running about the countryside to settle down!"

Gimli looked up at Elrond with a sly look on his face, "But Laddie...what's this they tell me about yer missing yer boat?"

"It' a long story, Gimli. One I choose not to tell it right now, if you please. Tell me of your journey to Moria..." Elrond said, trying to change the subject.

"Aww, you'll hear all about that later, Laddie...right now, I want to hear how ye came to be here in Mirkwood! And especially, why did ye come in with yer man-handle hanging out fer all the world to see? You know Laddie, I've seen it, and I wouldn't be flouncing it about if I were you..." Gimli laughed.

"You HAVEN'T see it, nor will you EVER see it, and I do NOT wish to continue this conversation!" Elrond bellowed, turning bright red.

"Of course I saw it! EVERYONE saw it...I was there when the guards brought you in! Everyone was standing around, laughin' and pointin'..."

"THEY WERE NOT!" Elrond thundered, ready to wring Gimli's neck - as usual - within the first 5 minutes of their meeting. "I mean... there is nothing to laugh about!"

"Have ye looked south of the equator lately, Laddie? Methinks ye might be surprised..."

"IT WAS COLD OUTSIDE...ARGH! You are impossible, Dwarf!" Elrond pushed past Gimli, who was nearly bent in double, laughing hysterically. "I am going to dinner, and if you know what's good for you, you will leave this conversation in this room!"

Gimli tried to settle himself as he watched Elrond storm from the room. "Good old Elrond, " he thought to himself as he followed the Elf out, "Always good for a laugh! Still, after 7,000 years, you'd think he'd have grown a sense of humor!"

**"L**ORD ELROND OF RIVENDELL."

Elrond held his head high as he regally marched down the long aisle between the banquet tables as the major domo announced his name to the court. Out of the corner of his eye, he searched the faces of the Elves in attendance, trying to discern who had, and who had not, seen his private stock.

"Elrond," Thranduil said, motioning for him to seat himself at the head table, to Thranduil's right, 'You remember my son, Legolas..."

"Of course. Legolas, mellon min, it is good to see you," Elrond nodded his head at the tall, blonde elf.

"Lord Elrond, a pleasure, as always..." Legolas replied formally. Then, with the tiniest smirk, he said, "Your arrival today was a SMALL wonder..."

Elrond's eyebrows knitted together in a frown. "Not you too!" he hissed through his teeth. "I have already had it ground in my face by your short, hairy companion!"

Legolas was the picture of innocence. "My Lord, what DO you speak of? I only meant to comment on the unexpected manner of your arrival...that is the NAKED truth!"

Thranduil choked, spitting out the wine he had been drinking, some of which dribbled out of his nose.

"Thranduil, really! I would expect you to have taught the Elfling better manners by now! Not to mention that YOU should have been able to pick up better table manners!" Elrond admonished, using a napkin to wipe a few drops of wine that had splattered on his sleeve.

Snorting, Thranduil said, "Oh, get over yourself, Elrond! You have to admit it was a pretty humorous arrival...we can't be expected to simply ignore it, now can we?"

"Why the hell not? If you had arrived in Rivendell in such a manner, I would have been the sole of discretion!" Elrond replied huffily.

"If I had arrived in Rivendell in the manner you arrived here, YOU would have had a statue of the event erected in front of the Last Homely Home!"

"ERECT is not a word I would choose to describe his arrival!" Gimli snorted, finally joining the head table.

"GIMLI - ENOUGH!" Elrond thundered, causing the entire hall to fall silent and stare in his direction.

"Oi! Yer makin' me ears ring!" Gimli laughed, digging a finger into his left ear. "With that voice, people will think yer overcompensatin' for something!"

Elrond slumped back, defeated. "I give up! Go ahead...have your fun at my expense...just get it out of your systems!"

"As ye wish, Laddie..." Gimli chuckled, catching Legolas' eye. "Though methinks the jokes will be in SHORT supply!"

"Aye, if we didn't poke fun, everyone would think we'd gone SOFT!" Legolas contributed.

"You wouldn't begrudge us a TINY bit of fun, would you Elrond?" contributed Thranduil, his eyes tearing.

"Are you QUITE done? Could we PLEASE move the conversation to another topic, or are you three completely fixated on my personal effects?" Elrond said, exasperated, rising to his feet, a scarlet blush creeping up his cheeks.

"Alright, Laddie, alright! Calm yerself! Let me tell you about the Elf and my trip to Moria to see the mines!" Gimli said, still chuckling a bit. "Sit down, sit down...we mean no harm and ye know it! Now...it was just after Aragorn and Arwen's wedding that the Elf and me set off for the mInes..."

Elrond sighed, settling back in his seat. "Good! By the time the Dwarf finishes his story, everyone will be too drunk to remember the reason for the celebration...never mind my unorthodox arrival today. That hairy moppet has the worst case of oral diarrhea that I have ever seen," he thought to himself.

**H**ours passed, filled with drinking and storytelling, and general merry-making. It was nearly dawn before Elrond rose, slightly wobbly, from his seat. Gimli was face down in his chicken plate, and Thranduil and Legolas were on the floor behind the table where they had fallen after having attempted to arm wrestle each other.

Staggering slightly, Elrond held to the wall as he worked his way back to his room. Brushing off the attendant who was waiting to help him undress, he collapsed on the bed, and was soon snoring soundly.


	6. Sorry

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. I do not make any money from this. I do not like green eggs and ham...oh, wait...wrong book.

Chapter 6

**Sorry**

"So, what be yer plans now, Laddie?" Gimli asked Elrond, between mouthfuls of breakfast, his beard dripping. Gimli's head was soaking wet since he had just dunked it in a bucket of water to dispel the horrific hangover he had woke with.

"I have no specific plans, actually," Elrond replied coolly, sipping at a glass of juice. "Eventually I will have to see about constructing a boat to get me to Valinor, I suppose."

"Are ye in any rush? Legolas and meself were thinking of taking a trip back to Minas Tirith to visit with Aragorn for a while," Gimli explained, a sliver of egg white clinging to his lower lip. "Ye might want to consider joining us...I heard tell that Arwen was a big as a house with child. Ye may be a grandfather by now!"

"Do you really think I would consider a trip with the two of you after your behavior last night? Do you think I am a glutton for punishment?" Elrond asked, still highly affronted by the last evening's doings.

"I already said that I was sorry, Elrond. How long are ye going to hold it against me?" Gimli entreated, looking up at the Elf with a slightly irritable expression.

"Elves are immortal. How long is that?" Elrond replied, his nose in the air.

"Bah! Ye need to let it go, Elrond. Ye would have done the same, given the opportunity, and ye know it! Come on, give old Gimli a chance to make it up to ye!

"We shall see, Master Dwarf," Elrond sniffed, waving a dismissive hand in Gimli's direction.

"We shall see what?" Legolas asked, joining the two at the table. He picked up a piece of lembas and began nibbling at it.

"I asked Mr. Elrond, here, if he might want to join us on a trip to visit Aragorn and Arwen," Gimli said, hooking his thumb at Elrond. "He doesn't seem inclined to take me up on me invitation."

"Didn't you apologize for last night? I told you to..." Legolas reminded Gimli, nodding his head toward Elrond.

"'Course I did! First thing this morning. Eloquent speech, it was, too! 'Lord Elrond, it is with greatest humility that I beseech yer forgiveness...'"

"Horsecrap! All you said was 'Sorry, El. That's it...two words! You didn't even use my full name, AND you were shoveling eggs into your mouth at the time!" Elrond clarified, pointing his finger at Gimli.

"Gimli! Tsk, tsk," Legolas admonished, shaking his finger at his friend. Turning to Elrond, he bowed low, and said, 'Lord Elrond, please accept my most humble apologies on behalf of Gimli and myself for the horrendous treatment you suffered at our hands last night. It is our supreme wish that you be comfortable here as our esteemed guest in Mirkwood. Please ask, for anything we can do to compensate for our abject lack of judgement last night will be offered to you with our most sincere gratitude for your forgiveness."

Elrond didn't catch Legolas turning his head slightly and winking at the Dwarf, or Gimli's barely suppressed chuckle.

"That's much better. All right, I forgive you. Now, when did you plan to leave for Minas Tirith?" Elrond asked, puffing up a little at the formality of Legolas' speech.

Legolas smiled, and returned to nibbling on his lembas. "Probably not for another week...we just returned shortly before you got here. My father would not be happy if I should take leave again so soon."

"Who is he trying to harness you with this time, Laddie?" Gimli asked, reaching for a bowl of strawberries.

Legolas sighed, rolling his eyes at the ceiling, "some Elleth named Marysue, or Beckylou, or Tiramisu, or some such name...I can't keep track of them all."

"Why on earth do you fight your father on this, Legolas? He only wishes for you to produce an heir! I can certainly understand his concern," Elrond stated, spreading butter on a piece of lembas.

"I look forward to Arwen's giving birth, if she hasn't already. A child to carry on the lineage is important!"

"I can produce an heir WITHOUT my father's help," Legolas replied.

"But not without an Elleth's help," Elrond retorted, "unless you have discovered some new way of procreating that you haven't shared with the rest of us!"

"I just have no wish to settle down yet. After all, I am only 2,931 years old! I have no need to settle down and produce an heir, yet!" Legolas adamantly explained.

"He probably has a score of heirs running about the countryside by now, anyway!" Gimli laughed, poking Legolas in the ribs.

"Gimli! Really! Must you be so crude at the breakfast table?" Legolas asked, cuffing the Dwarf in the shoulder.

"I agree, Gimli. Besides, they would hardly count, would they? An heir needs to be legitimate, and you know it! If it were not the case, Legolas himself would have an army of brothers and sisters beating down the door!" Elrond laughed.

"Lord Elrond! Please, I must ask that you refrain from such bawdy talk..." Legolas brows knitted together as his lighthearted mood dissipated. "Do you suggest that my father was unfaithful to my mother before she sailed to Valor?"

"I apologize, Legolas. Of course that is not what I meant...my mouth runs away with me!" Elrond stammered, realizing his faux pas after receiving a swift kick under the table from Gimli.

Legolas downed a glass of water, calming himself. "Apology accepted. Now, back to subject on hand...we leave for Minas Tirith in a week's time. Will you join us?"

"Aye, Legolas. IF you promise to muzzle the Dwarf!" Elrond laughed, eyeing Gimli.

"Bah! 'Twould be a boring trip without me banter!" Gimli said, frowning up at the two tall elves. "Ye'd miss me colorful conversation!"

"Life would be dull without you, mellon min," Legolas smiled, patting the dwarf on the back.

"It would be a QUIET life, at any rate," Elrond laughed, giving Gimli a little push. "I think this will prove to be a very interesting, if noisy, journey."


	7. Stratego

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Elrond: ** Why do you insist on having to repeat this same sentence chapter after chapter - it is becoming redundant. **Me:** Shut up, Elrond, or I'll have you drop your drawers again.

**Chapter 7**

**Stratego**

**G**imli and Elrond strolled companionably through the Great Underground Hall, stopping occasionally to exchange a word or two with one or another Elves of their acquaintance. They were hoping to spot Legolas, whom they hadn't been able to see for quite a while.

Legolas had been kept very busy by his father, Thranduil, escorting this young elleth to lunch, and that young elleth to high tea, and another young elleth to dinner, and still another young elleth for a moonlight walk near the river, for five days straight. Thranduil REALLY wanted grandchildren, and was piling on the pressure for Legolas to take a wife. Personally, Elrond was beginning to think that Thranduil was hoping to wear Legolas down by the sheer numbers of elleths he was having to escort each day.

Not a bad strategy, as far as Elrond was concerned.

"Elrond! There he be!" Gimli said, nudging Elrond in the thigh, and pointing up ahead to a fountain set in the center of the Great Hall. "Quick! Let's grab him before Thranduil sees that he's free and sends him out after another lass!"

Elrond looked up ahead in time to see Legolas bow to his escort, a fair young elleth in a dark green gown, before turning to take his leave.

Gimli took off running toward Legolas, shouting and waving his arms to get the Elf's attention. Legolas' face split in a wide smile at the sight of his short, bearded friend, and extended that smile to include Elrond.

"Laddie! We've been looking for ye all day!" Gimli cried, obviously delighted at having found his best friend.

"I know I haven't been available lately...my father seems determined that I find a wife," Legolas explained. "He's had me escorting one or another elleth every waking moment!"

"Any interesting possibilities?" Elrond asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No! Not a single one would I consider chaining myself to for eternity. You would not believe the horrendously boring conversation I've had to endure. "Oh, Your Highness," Legolas said in a high, falsetto voice, clasping his hands to his chest, "Such lovely weather we are having," and "Oh, My Prince, the weather has been most enjoyable of late," and "Oh, My Lord, do you think this lovely weather will last?" Disgusted, Legolas through his hands up in the air. "I swear by Eru, if one more person comments to me on the weather, I shall use her for target practice!"

"Ye don't need a gilded tongue to make an heir, Laddie!" Gimli chuckled. "Ye just need all her other parts to work!"

"Do you think I could survive eternity listening to this kind of idle chatter? It would drive me insane!" Legolas cried. "I wish my father would just let me be! I cannot bear the thought of spending another evening being fawned over by some empty-headed elleth!"

"Well then, Laddie, methinks we need to come up with a plan to get you out of here without yer father's knowing..." Gimli said, looking up at Elrond. "What do you think, Elrond? Any spells ye can come up with to shield our friend from his father's sight?"

"Do I look like a wizard to you, Dwarf?" Elrond replied, planting his hands on his hips. "The only spells I cast are healing spells, which may be useful if Thranduil catches you trying to sneak Legolas out of the Great Halls."

"Oh, come on, Elrond! Yer not AFRAID of Thranduil, are ye? I would not have taken ye for a coward!" Gimli said coolly, studying his fingernails.

"Afraid? I've never been afraid of anything in my life! Especially not of that pompous potentate! The very idea!" Elrond cried, outraged at the insult.

"I don't know, Laddie..." Gimli calmly said to Legolas, "methinks he protests too much..."

"I am NOT afraid of Thranduil, or anyone else!" Elrond yelled, soundly thumping Gimli on the noggin.

"Then prove it!" Gimli shouted, rubbing his head. "Help me get Legolas out of here!"

"Alright, alright! Just keep your voice down! They can probably hear you in Gondor!" Elrond said, shushing the Dwarf. "Look this is a simple problem. All we need to do is find something to hide him in."

"Hide me in? Like what?" Legolas said, looking around the Hall for something big enough to fit in.

:"You really got all the beauty and none of brains, didn't you, son?" Elrond said, patting Legolas on the shoulder. "Like a box...or a barrel."

"Ooh! They were filling barrels with ale down at the river! We could get one from there!" Gimli cried, clapping his hands and giving a little jump.

"Don't do that, Gimli...you remind me of the Hobbits," Elrond said. "Let's first go to our rooms and grab our packs, then meet at the dock."

**L**ess than an hour later, Elrond, Gimli, and Legolas were crouching behind a clump of bushes on the dock of the Forest River, waiting for their chance to steal a barrel.

"I have a question..." Legolas whispered to Elrond. "Once I am in the barrel, exactly how are you going to carry me out without being noticed?"

"Do you see that wagon, over there?" Elrond pointed to a hay wagon, already hitched to a team of fine horses. "We'll simply borrow it. We only need to get you as far as the border of Mirkwood."

"Look! The Elves are leaving...it must be lunchtime! Come on!" Gimli whispered, creeping out from behind the bushes toward the barrels. "Here's an empty one!"

Legolas climbed into the barrel, barely fitting his six-foot frame inside the wooden slats. Elrond and Gimli secured the lid, opening the spout on top so that Legolas could breathe.

"Gimli!" Elrond whispered urgently, "The Elves are coming back! They must only have been going a break! Quick! Back to the bushes!"

Elrond and Gimli ducked back behind the clump of bushes.

"Can ye see, Elrond?" Gimli asked softly.

"No! They've piled barrels right in front of us...I can't see a blessed thing!"

Gimli and Elrond waited for what seemed to them an eternity, for the Elves to leave for lunch. Coming out from behind the bushes, they looked over the barrels, trying to find the one they had sealed Legolas in.

"Laddie? Laddie?" Gimli called, putting his ear to each barrel in turn. "Elrond, where is he?"

"hic,"

"Did ye hear something, Elrond?" Gimli asked, seeing Elrond freeze. "Yer Elf ears are better than me own."

"hic"

"There! In that barrel near the edge of the dock...I think I hear him!" Elrond cried, running toward the barrel. He reached it and put his ear to the lid. "Legolas, are you in there?"

"hic."

Elrond smelled a strong odor of ale coming from the barrel. He realized that the Elves, thinking it was empty, must have filled it with ale.

Just then, Gimli, running as quickly as his short, stumpy legs could carry him, ran full tilt into Elrond's backside. Elrond was pushed forward by the momentum, in turn, pushing Legolas' barrel over the edge into the river, where it landed with a tremendous splash. Elrond and Gimli stood on the dock, watching forlornly as the barrel gently floated down river.


	8. Go Fish

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Elrond:** I do not care for the way you are writing my character. You are making me sound like a ninny. **Me:** You are a ninny. **Elrond:** How dare you? YOU'RE a ninny! **Me:** Don't push me, Elf, or down come the pants.

Chapter 8

**Go Fish**

Running down the bank of the Forest River, Elrond and Gimli raced to keep up with the barrel as the swift current swept it along. Gimli soon fell behind, panting for breath, but determined not to let Elrond, or the barrel, out of his sight. He struggled along, sweating profusely, swearing under his breath with every step.

The barrel bobbed and rolled with the current, bumping against logs and rocks jutting from the water. At one point, Elrond got far enough ahead of the barrel to attempt to stop it by crawling out on a log. He reached down over the water to grab the barrel as it swept by, but the barrel turned at the last moment and his hand came back empty.

After a long way, just as Gimli thought he could not take another step, the barrel was caught in the fork of a tree that lay in the water.

Sighing his relief, Elrond jumped into the water and hauled the barrel to the water's edge. Gimli used his axe handle to pry the lid off. Peering inside the barrel, they saw the crown of a blonde head peeking out of dark, yellow liquid.

"Legolas! Laddie!" Gimli cried, reaching into the barrel and grabbing Legolas under the arms. Elrond helped Gimli pull Legolas from the barrel. They laid him on the sandy bank of the river, looking at each other over his body.

"Legolas, speak to us!" Gimli cried, tears of frustration in his eyes.

"Legolas, can you hear me?" Elrond asked, shaking the prone Elf by the shoulders.

"Hic. Hic. UHHRP!" Legolas let out an enormous belch, opening his eyes. "Elonnnnn...Gimmmeee...hic...ish it time to go?"

"Eru's testicles! He's as drunk as a Hobbit on holiday!" Gimli announced, shaking his head in wonder.

"They must have filled the barrel with ale after we sealed Legolas in. We left the spout open, remember?" Elrond deduced, shrugging his shoulders. "Help me get him up."

Together they hoisted the extremely snookered Legolas to his feet, and began walking him along the bank of the river. "It's no use," Elrond said, shaking his head in disgust. "He'll never sober up enough today to travel! He'll just have to sleep it off."

"Our packs! We left them on the dock! We've no food, no clothes...nothing!" Gimli cried, looking back down the river.

"Now, doesn't this seem familiar?" Elrond said sarcastically. "All we need now is an ant hill and a hungry warg."

"What, Laddie? I don't understand..."

"Never mind. We'll just have to make do. Come on, let's gather some brush and at least make a lean-to. We can't risk a fire, because I'm sure Thranduil has every scout in Mirkwood out looking for us by now."

Doing the best they could with the materials at hand, Elrond, Gimli, and a very drunk Legolas spent the night huddled together in a flimsy lean-to without further mishap.

**M**orning broke, and bright sunshine woke the travelers.

"Ohhh, my head! My stomach! What hit me?" Legolas moaned, clutching his skull and stomach, standing up in front of the lean-to.

"You had a bit much to drink last night, Laddie," Gimli chuckled, winking at Elrond.

"Yes, I hope that elleth you were with didn't take your offer of marriage seriously," Elrond added, "or were you serious about wedding her? I thought your taste in women was a little more, er, discerning, but evidently you like the hefty ones."

Gimli had to shove his entire fist into his mouth to keep from laughing.

"No...NO! I don't remember...Oh, it CAN'T be!" Legolas cried, then winced at the pain in his head. "Please tell me it isn't true! Did you help me escape her? Is that why we're in the forest? Oh, PLEASE let me not have done something so stupid!"

"Calm down, Laddie, calm down!" Gimli cried, exploding with laughter. "We're just having a bit of fun with ye! Ye didn't propose to anyone...unless there was someone else in that barrel, that is!"

"Barrel?" Legolas asked, perplexed. "...oh, BARREL! Yes, I remember now! What a relief! ...oh, my head."

Elrond looked up from the ground where he had been rolling, laughing uncontrollably. "Legolas, you should have seen your face when you thought you were betrothed...it was priceless!"

"Argh...I feel horrible...when I feel better, I am going to beat the living daylights out of both of you, you know," Legolas said calmly, still holding his head.

"Well, no use standing around here. Let's shove off and hopefully find some breakfast along the way!" Gimli called to the other two. He picked up his axe, and the three set off again toward Minas Tirith.

"Gimli, where are our packs? And where is my bow and quiver?" Legolas asked, walking a bit slower than the other two due to his monstrous headache.

"About that, Laddie..." Gimli muttered, looking over at Elrond, "...well, we sort of...kind of...well, we didn't exactly..."

"We forgot them," Elrond said matter-of-factly.

"You forgot? How could you FORGET?" Legolas asked incredulously, staring at the other two.

"We were a little busy chasing after your soggy arse!" Gimli yelled.

"I haven't been without a bow and quiver since I was FIVE!" Legolas yelled back, wincing at the pain it caused in his head. "Not to mention that I would not have BEEN soggy if it hadn't been for Elrond's brilliant idea of stuffing me in a barrel! How did the barrel end up in the river, anyway?"

"Er...um...it was Elrond's fault," Gimli said softly, earning him a quick, hard knock on the head from Elrond.

"It was NOT my fault, you dumpy little dungheap! You ran into me!"

"Please! My head cannot take anymore of this! Just shut up the two of you!" Legolas cried, stamping off in front of them.

"Told you this would be an interesting trip," Gimli said to Elrond, giving him a nudge as he took off after Legolas.

Elrond rolled his eyes, and sighed, picking up his pace to catch up with the others.


	9. Truth or Dare

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas: **you nearly drowned me, witch! **Me: **I'm not a witch. I'm Dorothy Gale, from Kansas.** Legolas:** No, you're not. **Me:** Don't argue with the writer. **Legolas**: Then don't try to drown me anymore. **Me: **You know what happened to Elrond... **Legolas**: NO! Anything but the breeches...

Chapter 9 

**Truth or Dare**

**S**unshine reflected off the water of the river like sparkling diamonds as the travelers made their way to the crossing.

"Legolas, Laddie, would ye mind walking over there a bit?" Gimli asked, fanning the air in front of his nose with one hand and pointing downwind with the other. "Ye smell like a brewery."

"You have nerve, Dwarf! You smell like an Orc's backside, and you dare complain about me?" Legolas retorted, glaring down at his short companion.

"I think you both could use a dunk in the river," Elrond said, holding his nose, and bringing up the rear. "Between the two of you, my eyes burn like the pits of Mordor."

"Yer a fine one to talk! Ye smell worse than the two of us put together!" Gimli cried, turning to face Elrond.

"Nonsense. Your nose is just accustomed to your own reek," Elrond replied, waving his hand, dismissing Gimli.

"It's true, Gimli...as drunk as I was, your anal acoustics kept waking me up last night! Whatever did you eat yesterday?" Legolas added, looking disdainfully at Gimli.

The Dwarf shifted his axe to his other shoulder, considering Legolas' question in earnest. "Well, Laddie, I remember eating those pickled eggs that your people are so fond of...cabbage soup, beans, and a pint or four of ale..."

"Urgh! No wonder...you are a gas-ball with legs, Dwarf!" Elrond exclaimed. "For the love of all that's holy, put a cork in it!"

"Better out than in, me mum always used to say," Gimli said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Better for whom?" Legolas questioned the Dwarf, "certainly not for the two of us! Or for any other living creature near your rear!

"Bah! Yer both out of yer heads...'tis not as bad as that. Yer Elven noses are just too damn sensitive!" Gimli said. He walked a few paces ahead, letting out a long, reverberating stream of wind.

"You did that on PURPOSE, Dwarf!" Elrond exclaimed, covering his mouth with both hands and gagging.

"Who, me?" Gimli chuckled. "Who can do THAT on command? Now, belching, that's a different story!" He banged on his chest and proceeded to burp out the Hobbit's drinking song.

"Ugh. You are truly disgusting, mellon min. What other hidden talents do you possess that we should be aware of?" Legolas said, shaking his head and smiling, in spite of the repulsive odor.

"None that I'll waste on the likes of you two!" Gimli laughed. "I've some that I'm saving for when we get to Minas Tirith, though. I've plans to make some little serving wench very happy!"

**T**hey stopped midday at the southern foot of the Misty Mountains, planning to cross over into Gondor the following morning. Legolas, being incredibly inventive, fashioned snares of woven grass, and caught a couple of nice, fat rabbits for lunch.

After eating, the three shed their clothes and bathed in the cold water of the river, afterward scrubbing their clothes clean against the rocks along the riverbed.

Huddled around a small campfire, they passed the night retelling stories of their adventures during the War, and recanting tales of romantic conquests.

"Do ye remember that night in Helm's Deep, Laddie, just before the battle? What a night, indeed! Between you and Haldir, I think there was nary a maiden left in all of Rohan the next morn!" Gimli laughed heartily, slapping his knee and looking admirably at the tall Elf.

"Tell the truth, Gimli - you sowed a few oats that night, as well, my friend! I seem to remember a certain Shieldmaiden..."

"No! Not Eowyn! I thought she was trying to get into my son-in-law's pants!" Elrond exclaimed, his eyes wide at the thought of the Dwarf and the daughter of Theoden.

"She was, and he wouldn't give her the time of day, poor thing. I had to step in and...er...comfort her!" Gimli snorted, his eyes lighting at the memory.

"Later, so did Haldir...and then me!" Legolas added, chuckling. "It was a long night for the Shieldmaiden! I really don't know how she was able to walk the next day!"

"No wonder she listened to her father and stayed out of the fight! She probably couldn't rise out of bed!" Gimli sputtered, tears of laughter streaming down his cheeks into his beard.

"Does Faramir know all this? Oh, please let me be the one to tell him! At Aragorn and Arwen's wedding he bent my ear for hours complaining about the injustice of his family losing stewardship of Gondor...the little whiner!" Elrond asked, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

"It was even worse the day before the men rode for the battle at Minas Tirith! I heard tell that she jumped nearly every available man in the camp when Aragorn gave her that lame 'I cannot give you what you seek,' speech." Legolas volunteered. "How many times has he used that tired old line on females? I've lost count!"

"Aye! 'Twas a shame we had to miss all the action, having had to ride into the mountain pass with Aragorn! From what I've heard, there was a line of men five deep at her tent all morning!" Gimli continued, adding some wood to the fire.

"Well, he had better keep it in his boot from now on...my daughter has a very short fuse when it comes to fidelity...and she is quick with a knife! He'll need to pee through his nose when she's done with him!"

Legolas banked the fire to last through the night, and lay down, covering himself with his cloak. "As entertaining as this night has been, I believe we should get some sleep. Tomorrow we climb over the mountains into Rohan."

"Yes, and Gimli? I think it best if you sleep on the other side of the fire. I don't know how rabbit and your stomach get along, and I'll not take any chances on having another gas-fest around the fire tonight!" Elrond said sternly, shooing the Dwarf to the opposite side of the campfire.

"Bah! You Elves and yer delicate constitutions! I dare ye to spend a night with me family...ye'd probably think I smelled of roses in comparison!" Gimli chuckled. He rolled over and began to snore almost immediately.

"Eru preserve us from EVER having to spend the night with a dozen of him!" Elrond prayed, closing his eyes and letting sleep take him.


	10. The Game of Life

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Gimli:** So now yer reduced to picking on the Dwarf! **Me:** That's because you're so fun to pick on. **Gimli:** Why don't you pick on somebody yer own size? **Me:** I did. I already picked on Elrond and Legolas.

**Gimli:** But it was funny when you picked on _them_. **Elrond and Legolas**: No, it wasn't. But it IS funny when she picks on _you_! More! More! **Me:** Your wish is my command, Oh Elven Ones...

Chapter 10 

**The Game of Life**

**T**he journey over the Misty Mountains into Gondor had been uneventful, and as pleasant as crossing a mountain range on foot could be. Elrond couldn't help but think what a difference a pair of leggings had made.

The gleaming white city of Minas Tirith rose in front of them, majestic and spiraling toward the heavens. Entering the city through the Great Gate, they made their way up toward the King's palace. Word of their arrival flew before them and before too long Aragorn and Arwen were aware of their presence in the city.

Unfortunately, they would not be able to greet the travelers any time soon, since Arwen was nearing her thirtieth hour of labor, and both she and Aragorn were a bit distracted.

"Why in Arda is your father here? He was supposed to have sailed weeks ago!" Aragorn said, rubbing Arwen's back during contractions.

"I haven't the foggiest notion, dear. - ARGHHH! KILL ME NOW! - Why don't you ask him when you see him. - ARGHHH! I HATE YOU! - I wonder how Ada came to miss the boat? - ARGHHH! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! - I bet grandmother had something to do with it, though. - ARGHHH! I HATE YOU!"

"You've already said that, dear," Aragorn said as he gently tried to pry his wife's hands from around his throat.

"Please don't lecture me, my love. - ARGHHH! YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO TOUCH ME AGAIN! - Didn't they say Legolas and Gimli were with him? - ARGHHH! I HATE YOU! - I wonder if they'll be staying long? - ARGHHH! I SWEAR BY ERU, I WILL CUT IT OFF IF I SURVIVE THIS! - Nice of them to come to see the baby, though."

"Well, it IS his grandchild, and heir apparent to the throne of Gondor," Aragorn reasoned, trying to disentangle a fistful of his hair from Arwen's fist. "Arwen, my love, do you think you could stop screaming that you hate me? I know you don't mean it - that it's the pain talking, but it's wearing on me a bit."

"Sorry, dear, I'll try. - ARGHHH! I WANT TO DIE AND TAKE YOU WITH ME! - I think I'm about ready to push now, darling."

"Wonderful. I'll call the healers...Arwen, my precious one, do you think, perhaps, you could let go of my privates for just a moment while I call them? I can't reach the door while you have them twisted up like that."

**E**lrond, Gimli, and Legolas had just reached the private living area of the royals, when Arwen's screams reached their ears. Gimli and Legolas grabbed Elrond's arms to restrain him from barging into the birthing room and ripping Aragorn apart.

'You've had babies of your own, Elrond. Surely you remember Celebrian going through this?" Legolas asked, tightening his grip on Elrond's left arm.

"Not in MY day! In MY day, the healers just knocked the woman unconscious, and when she woke up - there was a baby, all nice, and clean, and ready to be fed! Why is he letting them let her suffer like this?" Elrond cried, nearly beside himself with fury.

"It is better for the mother and the baby this way, Elrond! Everyone knows this! It is called 'natural childbirth,' and it is taught in basic healing. You must know this!" Legolas argued, planting his feet to stop Elrond from dragging him any further.

"I don't recall any instruction that said it was acceptable for the mother to be screaming like that! Something is wrong! I can feel it! I am her father, and I just KNOW something is WRONG!" Elrond thundered, launching himself forward and dragging both Gimli and Legolas toward the birthing room.

Just as he got them abreast of the door, the screaming stopped. Silence...then the miraculous cry of a newborn.

"You see, Elrond? Nothing is wrong. That is the sound of your grandchild!" Legolas smiled, patting Elrond on the back. "It sounds like a strong, healthy child!"

"It sounds like a sheep," Gimli muttered.

Luckily, Elrond was too stunned by the revelation that he was a grandfather to notice Gimli's comment. Enthralled by the sight before him as he stepped over the threshold of the birthing room, he silently watched Arwen and Aragorn cuddle their newborn son.

"Ada! Come and meet your grandson! We have named him Eldarion." Arwen called, motioning Elrond to approach. Aragorn, a very proud papa, smiled at Elrond. The three of them stood fussing over the baby, who continued to wail and wave his tiny fists in the air.

Legolas and Gimli stood silently at the doorway, giving the family a bit of privacy, but still observing the baby with great interest. After all, it wasn't every day that a new monarch-to-be was born.

"Laddie," Gimli whispered to Legolas after a while, "Is it supposed to be so red and wrinkly? It doesn't looked cooked yet."

"All human babies look like that at birth, Gimli," Legolas whispered back, craning his head to get a better peek at the future King of Gondor.

"His head comes to a point on top...that cannot be good, Laddie," Gimli fussed, jumping up and down, trying to see.

"Again, Gimli, that is perfectly normal for a human baby. Of course, full blooded Elves are not so...unattractive at birth," Legolas continued, smiling at the happy scene in front of him.

"He is completely hairless! Not a strand of hair on his pointy head!" Gimli cried in a hoarse whisper, astounded at the bald baby.

"Gimli, stop worrying and fussing. The baby is fine!" Legolas instructed, patting Gimli on the shoulder. "Things could not be better!"

"Pointy head...no hair...red and wrinkled...sounds like a sheep...and the Elf thinks everything is _fine_?," Gimli muttered, shaking his shaggy head. "Methinks he may have a bit of a rough time of it in school."


	11. GO

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Gimli: **Methinksye have gone too far this time, wench! Imagine, mocking the birth of a future king! I am going to speak with Tolkien about ye. **Me:** See if I care, Dwarf. **Gimli:** Ye should care! Tolkien will strike you down with a thunderbolt! - ZZZAP! - **Me: ** That wasn't a thunderbolt...that was just you saying "zap," Gimli. **Gimli:** Damn it.

**A/N:** Southerngirl4615 - Have given Legolas a permanent wedgie. Anyone else you want to sic me on? Just let me at 'em.

Chapter 11 

**GO**

Elrond sat at the table, staring at the mug of ale he held in his hand. Gimli and Legolas sat with him, as they had since returning from the birthing room of Elrond's first grandchild. Celebrating the birth, the three had been downing ale for several hours.

"Wash the matter, Laddie?" Gimli asked, sloshing his ale over the rim of his mug as he waved it in Elrond's direction. "Ye been sittin' there with a sour puss on fer nearly an hour. Thish is supposed to be a party!"

"Yes, Elrond (hic)...tell us the trouble (hic)," Legolas put in, swaying slightly in his seat. He took another draught of ale, leaving a foam mustache on his upper lip.

"Elf! Ye would look good with a mushtash..." Gimli said, catching Legolas before he thought to wipe his mouth with his sleeve.

"Elves have no facial hair, mellon min (hic). We don't have hair _anywhere_, 'cept on our heads (hic)."

Gimli looked thoughtful for a moment (painful for a Dwarf, especially a drunk Dwarf), then said, "We could glue one on! We jush need to take some hair from yer head, and stick it on yer lip!"

"You really think (hic) I would look good with a mushass, er (hic), mustache?" Legolas asked, holding his finger across his upper lip.

"Aye! Yer kind are too hairless fer me taste...makes me feel badly fer that wee babe...no hair at all!" Gimli said sadly, shaking his head.

"Will you two SHUT UP?" Elrond shouted, slamming his mug down on the table. "I am having a crisis here, if either of you are interested!"

"Sorry, Laddie...go on, tell us yer troubles," Gimli faced Elrond again, leaning forward, trying to keep his eyes focussed.

"It is just that seeing Arwen with a baby of her own...well, for the first time, I feel...old." Elrond confessed, looking more depressed than either of the other two had ever seen him.

"Bah! Yer immortal, you ninny! You _can't_ be old!" Gimli exclaimed, waving his mug at Elrond. He succeeded in splashing a great deal of ale on the table in the process.

"I didn't say I _was_ old, Dwarf, although I _am_ over 7,000 years...I said that for the first time I _felt_ old!" Elrond repeated, sighing and taking a drink of his own ale. "What is left for me but to sail across the sea? And even then, I have Galadrial to look forward to...the witch. She made my life here hell, and she's likely to do the same there. My children are all grown, living their own lives with children of their own. My wife sailed without me years ago and is probably boinking every Maia in sight. My mother-in-law-the-beast is assuredly sitting on the shores of Valinor waiting to sink my ship before it reaches the harbor, and here _I_ sit with you two - a drunken Dwarf who is obsessed with facial hair, and a drunken Elf with facial hair envy! My life is _over_..." he concluded, laying his head face-down on the table.

"There, there, Laddie..." Gimli said, patting Elrond on the shoulder, while rolling his eyes at Legolas. "It's not as bad as all that! Why, yer still young enough to do whatever ye fancy! Tell me, Lad, what is it ye wish to do?"

"I don't know," Elrond replied, not lifting his face from the table. "Something..._anything_!"

"Elrond, your twins (hic) don't have children...do they?" Legolas asked, now holding a clump of his long, platinum hair across his upper lip. "They didn't sail to Valinor, (hic) did they?"

"No. They refused to go. Said they'd be bored there. And they have no children, or wives, for that matter. At least, none that I'm aware of..." Elrond replied, still face down on the table. "Why?"

"Have you any (hic) idea where they are (hic) now?" Legolas asked, picking up a spoon and holding _that_ over his upper lip.

Finally picking his head up from the table, Elrond squinted at Legolas. 'Elladan and Elrohir were in Rohan, last I heard. They had always wanted to open a tavern - of all things - and found a location that they liked in Edoras."

"What say you that we (hic) travel to Rohan to see your sons?" Legolas asked, grabbing a hank of Gimli's beard and holding it over his upper lip.

"Legolas, Laddie...what are ye doing with me beard?" Gimli pulled his beard away from Legolas. Turning to Elrond, he said, "Methinks that's a great idea! Look at the fun we had coming over the mountains from Mirkwood! Would be jush as mush fun going to Rohan!"

"Are you insane, Dwarf? You think that journey was _fun_? You don't recall nearly drowning Legolas, or having to climb the mountains without benefit of pack or weapons? Besides, Eowyn still bears me a grudge because Arwen married Aragorn," Elrond stated, shaking his head at the Dwarf.

"Nonsense! I'm sure she's let bygones be bygones by now! Besides, we have a few dirty little secrets to hold over the Sheildmaiden's head, now don't we?" Gimli chuckled, elbowing Legolas, who was holding a candle, lit, over his upper lip. "Legolas, Laddie, yer setting yer hair on fire..."

"Oh," Legolas said, trying to spit on his hair to put it out, but managing to miss and hit Gimli in the eye. He finally dumped his mug of ale over his head to put out the flame.

"Damn waste of ale, Laddie," Gimli clucked, shaking his head. "Elrond, it will be a grand trip! Tell me yer not _afraid_ of Eowyn! Tell me yer not _frightened_ of going to Rohan... ye bloody coward!"

"Call ME a COWARD? You shaggy little warg-dropping! I'll show YOU who is a coward! We leave for Rohan at first light!" Elrond shouted, standing and stalking out of the room.

"Is it me, or does he need to get laid?" Gimli asked Legolas, taking a deep drink of his ale.

Legolas didn't reply. He was too busy holding his finger over his upper lip and trying to see his reflection in the bowl of a spoon.


	12. Trouble

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Elrond:** Would you _please_ refrain making my character whine! **Me:** Oh, man...not _you_ again! You are becoming truly annoying. **Elrond:** _I'm_ annoying? You are making me seem like a buffoon! **Me:** How many times do I have to drop your britches before you'll leave me alone?

Chapter 12

**Trouble**

**"L**addie...Laddie..." Gimli called, shaking Legolas' shoulder, "wake up!"

Legolas lay face down on his bed, snoring softly, the covers pulled up over his head. His blonde hair was spread out in every which direction, and he still clutched the spoon from the night before in his fist.

"Laddie! Will ye please wake up! Elrond is already dressed and waiting to go! Come on now, boy!" Gimli pulled the covers back from Legolas, causing him to shiver.

"Arghh! Leave me be, Dwarf! I've got a headache...again."

"No time to wallow in self pity, Elf! We've a journey to begin!"

Legolas sighed, and rolled over, throwing one arm across his eyes to shield them from the bright sunlight pouring in through the window.

"ACK! Laddie! What have ye done?" Gimli cried, taking a step back before collapsing in laughter. "Oooh, I remember now..."

Legolas slowly sat up in bed. "What are you laughing at? You don't look your best first thing in the morning, either, you know." He began to run his hands over his face, but suddenly froze when his hand touched his mouth.

"Oh, no..." he whispered, feeling the rough hair on his upper lip and chin. "Oh, Eru, what have I done now?"

He jumped out of bed, immediately regretting it since it caused a white pain to shoot through his noggin. Making his way to the reflecting glass that hung over the dressing table in the room, he peered at his reflection. He knew it was himself, because of the blonde mane and blue eyes, but the mouth reflected back from the glass was _definitely_ not his own.

Several clumps of dark red, wooly hair were stuck just under his nose, and on his chin. He reached up and tried to pull the hair off, but it was stuck fast.

'Gimli! What did you do to me?" Legolas asked, turning to face his short friend. "I look like...like..._you_!"

"Bah! Not on yer best day, Laddie! Besides, I didn't do that! _You _did! Ye wanted to have a mustache and beard, so ye tackled me and cut off a wee bit of mine. Ye ran off laughing like a half-wit, and by the time I found ye, ye had glued it to yer face!"

"What am I supposed to do now? I can't go out like this! I look ridiculous!"

"Ye thought ye looked quite handsome last night! Ye were parading around all about the palace, winking and making kissy faces at every female in sight, " laughed Gimli.

"Help me, Gimli! You have to help me! I'll never hear the end of it if Elrond or Aragorn see me..." Legolas pleaded, grabbing his friend by the front of his jerkin and shaking him.

"Alright, Laddie, alright! Stop shaking me or I'm likely to lose me breakfast!' Gimli said firmly, prying Legolas' fingers from his jerkin.

He reached up and grabbed the hair on Legolas' chin, giving a mighty yank. His fingers came away with a chunk of hair.

"OWW! Are you crazy? That hurts! You're taking skin with it!" Legolas cried, slapping Gimli's hands away.

"Sorry, Laddie, but it be the only way to get it off..." Gimli said, staring at the hair in his fist. "Ye best lay down on the bed, so I can get a firmer grip."

**E**lrond paused at the door of Legolas' room, his hand on the doorknob. He could hear whimpers, shouts, and curses coming from within through the closed door. "What are those two up to now?" he asked himself, "we should have left an hour ago! I can't leave them alone for a minute..." he flung open the door and strode into the room.

He was stopped short at the sight of Gimli straddling Legolas on the bed, "Great Eru! What the devil are you two _doing_?' he cried, quickly turning his back on the scene before him. "By Manwe's hairy ass, how drunk did you two get?"

"Ach..." Gimli cried, "get yer mind out of the gutter, you prissy Elf! 'Tis not what ye think!" He gave a last pull at the hair on Legolas' upper lip, causing Legolas to yelp again. "The Elfling had a bit of an accident last night with a pot o' glue and a piece of me beard!"

"I do NOT want to know..." Elrond said, refusing to turn around.

Legolas sat up on the bed, throwing Gimli off. He held both hands over his mouth, his eyes watering from the pain of having a layer of skin yanked off with the hair. He walked over to the reflecting glass and peering into it. Most of the hair was gone, except for a few sparse tufts here and there. The rest of his upper lip and chin were bright red.

"It burns like the devil, you lumpy little gnome!" he cried, shooting Gimli a dirty look.

"Don't be such a whiny baby, Elf! Throw some water on it, and get dressed...we need to bid Aragorn, Arwen and the babe farewell and be on our way!" Gimli cried, dismissing Legolas with a wave of his hand.

**T**he trio walked up the main aisle of the throne room, where Aragorn and Arwen sat, receiving guests wishing to see the new baby. Arwen held the infant wrapped in a blue satin blanket, while Aragorn leaned over, talking to the baby.

"How's my big boy, this morning? How's my big diddums? Did my big diddums make a big poopie this morning? Yes, he did! Yes he did!" Aragorn crooned, tickling the baby under the chin.

"Egads, Aragorn. Kindly remember that you are the king. You sound like a nitwit."

"Leaving so soon, Elrond? What a pity," Aragorn replied sarcastically, eyeing his father-in-law. He turned his attention back to his son.

"Ada, must you leave so soon? You just got here yesterday!" Arwen said, not taking her eyes off the baby.

"Yes, I can see how much my departure will destroy both of you," Elrond said sardonically, raising an eyebrow. "We are going to visit Elrohir and Elladan in Rohan. I'll give your regards to Eowyn, Aragorn..."

"By all means, Elrond. See you soon. Bye, bye. Take care. Good journey. Ta-ta. Namaarie," Aragorn waved his hand without lifting his eyes from the babe held in Arwen's arms.

Elrond turned and stalked away, muttering to himself about the idiocy of new parents. Gimli and Legolas stepped up to say goodbye.

"Luck on yer head, wee one!" Gimli said, touching his finger to the baby's tiny nose. "May Eru bless ye with a thick mane of hair someday."

"Lissenen ar' maska'lalaith tenna' lye omentuva, " Legolas said softly, bowing before the tiny king-to-be.

"Legolas...what happened to your face?" Aragorn said, taken aback as he looked up at his friend.

"Er, nothing for you to worry about, mellon min," Legolas said, clapping his hand over his mouth. He waved goodbye with his other hand, turning, and quickly walked out of the throne room, followed by Gimli.

"I never knew anyone who could get into as much trouble as those two," Aragorn said to Arwen, watching Gimli and Legolas trot out of the room.

Aragorn and Arwen promptly forgot all about their visitors, as their son once again captured their attention.

**Translations: **

_Lissenen ar' maska'lalaith tenna' lye omentuva - _Sweet water and light laughter till next we meet

_Namaarie - _goodbye


	13. Outburst

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters**. Legolas:** Are you completely mad? I would stop picking on me if I were you...** Me:** Are you threatening me, Elf? **Legolas:** Not me...my fangirls. They are NOT happy. **Me:** Ha! I could _make_ them happy by simply dropping your drawers! **Legolas **(with pants down around his ankles): You are obsessed with other people's breeches.

Chapter 13 

**Outburst**

Having left Minas Tirith behind, Elrond, Gimli, and Legolas traveled the Great Western Road into Rohan. They climbed the green foothills of the White Mountains, and followed the path that led between the barrows of the past kings, to where the city stood, protected by its three outer lines of defense - the dike, the wall, and the palisade.

"Theoden was really a bit much with the whole defense thing, don't you think?" Elrond said, eyeing the sharpened stakes of the palisade. "Eowyn is hardly any better...she insists on the highest security, even though there is no longer anyone who wishes to make war on Rohan. I personally believe that paranoia runs in the family."

"HALT! Who goes there?" came a voice from high up on the palisade.

"GIMLI, SON OF GLOIN, LEGOLAS, PRINCE OF MIRKWOOD and Elrond, Lord of Rivendell..." Elrond screamed back the first two names, but whispered his own.

"WHO WAS THAT LAST ONE?"

"ELROND, LORD OF RIVENDELL" Gimli bellowed, making Elrond wince.

"The Dwarf is only three feet tall, and his mouth takes up two of those feet!" Elrond thought, making a mental note to pummel the Gimli at the earliest convenience.

"Elrond? _Arwen's_ Elrond?" one guard said to the other, elbowing him in the midsection, "this ought to be good!"

The gate was opened, admitting the trio past the dike and wall and into the city. A guard stood at the entry, waiting to escort them up into Medulseld, the Golden Hall.

Entering the great Hall, the guard announced their arrival. Stepping up the long aisle toward the pair of thrones at the head, Elrond stopped short as a dagger implanted itself at his feet.

"Elrond...how good to see you," Eowyn called with syrupy sweetness from her throne. "Sorry...my aim doesn't seem to be what it once was."

"Aye...she _missed_!" whispered Gimli to Legolas, as they stood behind Elrond. "She was probably aiming for his heart...I've never seen _anyone_ hold a grudge like that woman!"

"Eowyn...you're looking as lovely as ever," Elrond said, trying desperately to sound gracious. He had no wish to incur her further wrath.

"What have we to thank for your visit, Elrond? Have you brought word from Gondor? I hope all is well with Aragorn...has Arwen given birth? Is it normal, or does it look like her?" Eowyn asked, beckoning them to approach the thrones. "Better yet, did Arwen not survive?" she continued, just a hint of hope tingeing that statement.

"She is well, as is my grandson, thank you very much. Really, Eowyn, you _are_ a married woman now...let it go! It's getting tiresome," Elrond said, losing his patience.

"He is right, dear...we are married. It isn't seemly for you to still be thinking of another man," Faramir said, with a slight lisp.

"Shut up, Faramir. If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!" Eowyn hissed, smacking her husband on the shoulder. She turned again to Elrond and said, "Surely Aragorn is getting tired of her by now! Hasn't she gotten fat? Lazy? Disfigured in some tragic accident?"

" No, of course not! Arwen is still the picture of loveliness," Elrond replied, pride in his voice for his beautiful daughter, regardless of her preoccupation with the baby during his visit.

"Eowyn, darling, I really think..." Faramir began hesitantly, reaching out to take Eowyn's hand.

"Shut up, Faramir!" Eowyn hissed again, grabbing his hand and twisting it up sharply. Faramir fell off the throne, clutching his hand to his chest. He slowly climbed back on, nursing his wounded wrist.

"Give me one good reason, Elrond, why I shouldn't have you locked up in the dungeon for ever having the poor sense to give life to that Elven bitch!" Eowyn cried, losing all control. "Aragorn was MINE! We could have combined our kingdoms! I should have been Queen of Gondor AND Rohan! _I_ should have had his child...not that wimpy, fat-lipped, mithril-wearing freak you call a daughter!"

Every hair on Elrond's neck stood on end at Eowyn's raving. He also had a temper and completely lost it now.

"I have had just about enough of your obsessive, childish, whining, overbearing behavior, Eowyn! Do you really want to know the reason Aragorn would not give you the time of day? Do you REALLY want to know? It is because you haven't been able to keep your knees together since you were twelve!"

"Really, everyone, I think we need to take a time-out here..." Faramir said weakly, still clutching his hand, which was visibly swollen.

"SHUT UP, FARAMIR!" Eowyn and Elrond bellowed together.

Gimli pulled on Legolas' tunic, and put his mouth to the Elf's ear. "Laddie, methinks perhaps it's time for a diversion...we need to do _something_ before they get physical...and we both know who would win _that_ fight!" he whispered urgently. "Turn on ye charm, Laddie...go on now, before she disembowels him!"

Legolas swallowed hard then approached Eowyn's throne. He bowed low before her, and took her hand in his. Looking into her eyes, he said, in his deepest, most seductive voice, "Eowyn, how I have counted the days until I could return to look upon your loveliness once more..."

"Elf? What _are_ you talking about? You barely even _spoke_ to me during the siege!" Eowyn asked suspiciously, trying to pull her hand from Legolas' grasp.

"Only because I knew how heartbroken you were over Aragorn's indelicate refusal of your attentions...I, um...didn't want to overwhelm you... You _do_ remember that evening we spent together before that though, don't you? In your bedroom...and in the courtyard...and the kitchen...and behind your father's throne...while he was sitting on it?" Legolas replied, picking up her hand and kissing it. "After that, things got a little crazy, what with the Urak Hai, and the dead guys, and the Oliphaunts and everything...I had not a moment to seek you out!"

"Um, excuse me...husband sitting right here, remember?" Faramir said, tapping Legolas on the shoulder, and tapping his own chest.

"If you _don't _shut up, Faramir, I will reach over, pull out your heart, and feed it to you before you die!" Eowyn spat, never taking her eyes off Legolas.

"Oh. Ah...yes, dear," Faramir lisped, shrinking down in his seat.

"Elrond, I believe you and the Dwarf should go and visit your sons at their new tavern. It seems the Elf and I have some business to attend to..." Eowyn declared, dismissing the others. She stood, took hold of Legolas wrist, and firmly led him through the doorway to her private chambers.

Legolas turned his head before disappearing down the hall, fear clouding his features, and mouthed "Help me!"

"We may never see him again..." Elrond said, shaking his head sadly. "There goes a very brave Elf."

"Aye, Laddie, Aye. I'll miss him."

"I hate when she does this! First Aragorn, then everything with three legs at the camp, and now the Elf! She needs a good talking to, that one does..."

"SHUT UP, FARAMIR!" Elrond and Gimli called back over their shoulders as they left the Great Hall.


	14. Risk

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Faramir:** I hope you are satisfied! You've managed to ruin my marriage by bringing that silly Elf to Rohan, and make me seem like a wuss in one single chapter! **Me:** Shut up, Faramir!

Chapter 14 

**Risk**

Elrond and Gimli walked out of Medulseld, and ambled down the main road that cut through Edoras, looking for some sign of Elrohir and Elladan's new tavern.

"I don't see it, Laddie...maybe we should stop and ask for directions. Surely someone around here knows where it is..." Gimli said after nearly two hours of searching.

"I can find it...I don't need directions," Elrond said huffily, peering up at the hanging wooden signs above the doorways on the street.

"We've been looking for hours, Elrond! We're never going to find it at this rate. Just stop and ask someone...we're going to get lost!" Gimli complained, trying to reason with Elrond.

"We will not get lost, Dwarf...I know exactly where we are," Elrond replied, craning his neck to try to see down a side road.

"For the love of Este, just ASK SOMEONE!" Gimli shouted, pulling on Elrond's sleeve. "Bah! The stubbornness of Elves! I'll ask someone meself!"

He walked over to the first person he saw - an old man sitting on a bench, whittling. "Pardon me, friend, but do ye know the new tavern run by Elladan and Elrohir, the twin sons of Elrond of Rivendell?"

"Aye, Master Dwarf...go back the way you came, turn right at the blacksmith, then left at the potter and you'll be standing right in front of it," the old man replied, pointing up the road the way they had come. 'But I must warn you, Master Dwarf, that that place has a reputation in this city of being..."

"Thank ye kindly, sir," Gimli said, cutting the man off and returning to Elrond.

"There, ye see Laddie? That wasn't so difficult, was it?" Gimli said to Elrond as they turned around and walked back toward Medulseld.

"I would have found it," Elrond insisted.

"Aye, in about fifty years..." Gimli snorted, huffing and puffing as he took two strides to Elrond's one, trying to keep up.

A short time later, they found themselves standing in front of a pub, whose placard read, "Double Trouble Tavern."

"Well, the name fits, at any rate," Elrond said under his breath as he pulled open the door to the pub. The two of them stepped inside, pausing at the door to give their eyes a chance to adjust to the dim lighting. The pub was jammed, with nearly every available seat filled.

Elrond raised an eyebrow, thinking that the twins must have chosen the right business. The place seemed a success.

"Elrond! Gimli! Over here..." shouted a familiar voice from a corner table.

Making their way to the corner, Elrond and Gimli were surprised to find Legolas sitting at the table, a pint of ale in front of him.

"Laddie! How did ye get away from Eowyn so quickly? I would have thought she'd have had you tied to the bed for a fortnight, at least!" Gimli cried, a smile lighting his face.

"She left me alone for a moment while she went to 'freshen up,' so I took the opportunity to crawl out the window and scale down the side of the castle. I fell the last 20 feet or so, but it was still worth it," he explained, showing Elrond and Gimli the rips in the knees and elbows of his jerkin and leggings. "What took you so long to get here?" he asked.

Gimli looked sourly up at Elrond. "Ye know how a certain someone is about asking for directions. We'd have been walking all night if it were up to him!"

Ignoring the Dwarf's comments, Elrond asked, looking around the room, "Legolas, have you seen my sons yet?"

"Aye...you need to prepare yourself, Elrond. They've, um...changed a bit."

"What do you mean, _changed_? Changed into _what_?"

"You'll see. Have a seat, and I'll get you a couple of pints. I'll let the twins know that you're here. The, um, _entertainment_ should be starting again soon," Legolas added with a small smile, motioning to the other seats at the table. He walked up to the crowded bar and waited to get the barkeep's attention.

Elrond and Gimli made themselves comfortable at the table. They noticed a young bearded man carrying a mandolin take a seat next to a raised platform at the back of the room. He began to strum the instrument, picking out a melody.

A young woman walked out onto the platform. Immediately, every eye in the room was turned to the platform, and whistles and yells filled the pub.

Elrond looked confused for a moment, as the girl slowly peeled off her apron, and tossed it into the crowd. "What the devil is that daft serving girl doing?" he asked Gimli. How is she going to serve without an apron?"

His eyes nearly popped out of his head when she turned around and started unhooking her dress.

"Great Eru! What devilry have those two idiots created here?" he cried, nearly rising from his seat.

"Hello, Ada," came two voices in unison from Elrond's right.

Gimli tore his eyes away from the serving girl on the stage at the sound of the twins' voices, just in time to see Elrond faint dead away.

"By the Valar! What have ye two done to yerselves?" Gimli cried, eyes bugging wide.

Elrohir and Elladan were dressed in identical brown jerkins and leggings, with high leather boots. But it wasn't their clothes that caught Gimli's breath in his throat and caused Elrond to hit the floor. It was their hair. Their beautiful, long, silky Elven hair was completely gone. They were both as bald as eggs. Worse, they had had the name of their pub tattooed on their skulls.

"Don't look at us like we've two heads each, Gimli...it's good for business," Elrohir said, fingering his polished pate. "Don't you like it? The women here keep wanting to run their hands over our heads!"

"Ada? What an odd place to take a nap!" Elladan commented, looking down curiously at his father.

"He's not napping, Elladan, and I wouldn't want to be you two when he arises!" Legolas laughed, returning with the ale.

Gimli chuckled in agreement, and the two of them sat down and turned their attention back to the stage.


	15. Monopoly

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Elrohir:** Hey, who's the chick? **Me:** I am not a chick. I mean...I am, but please don't call me that. I am the author. **Elladan:** Elrohir, who's the chick? **Elrohir:** She says she's not a chick. **Elladan:** Whoa, she's a dude? **Me:** I am really going to have to speak with your father. **Elrond:** Oh, no, lady. You're on your own.

**Chapter 15**

**Monopoly**

Elrond slowly opened his eyes, and found himself lying on a sawdust floor looking up at the underside of a table.

"Ah...look who's decided to wake up!' Gimli laughed from his seat at the table, his feet dangling a foot and a half from the floor. "Have a nice nap, Elrond?"

"What...ohhh...WHERE ARE THEY?" Elrond exploded, remembering exactly how he came to be lying there, coated with sawdust. "I am going to KILL them. I am going to KILL them BOTH!"

"Ye can't kill them, Elrond...they be Elves, like yerself, remember? Can't die except in 'battle' or from 'weariness of the world,'" Gimli reminded him, watching Elrond heave himself up off the floor.

"Oh, there will be a battle, alright, Master Dwarf. A battle the likes of which Middle Earth has not seen since the Pelennor Fields!"

"Calm down, Elrond," Legolas said, pulling out a chair for the Rivendell Lord. "Sit and have a pint while you cool off. It's not as if it's the end of the world, you know...so they've done something stupid - it's not as if it's the first time!"

"Really, Legolas? And just what am I supposed to tell Celebrian when I finally get to Valinor? Oi! Galadrial! That witch will hold this over my head for all eternity!"

"I stand corrected. It is the end of the world...at least for you, Elrond," Legolas said, trying to keep a straight face.

"Oh, laugh all you want! You're not the one that has to explain how I allowed our sons to turn themselves into freaks and start a...a...what would you call this place, anyway?"

"Elladan and Elrohir call it a 'disrobing tavern,'" Gimli said, draining his mug. "Personally, methinks the idea might really take off...look at the crowds they have in here! Every male in Edoras must be in here tonight! Yer sons may not have a whole brain between the two of them, but they struck gold with this place!"

"It does seem successful..." Elrond said, looking around the pub and at the crowds standing several deep at the bar. "I suppose I don't have to mention the bald heads, or the tattoos, or the, um, young ladies..."

"See, Elrond? I told you it wasn't all that bad," Legolas said, clapping Elrond on the shoulder. "Your sons are in the back room, just beyond the bar. They said to tell you to come unarmed."

"Come with me, you two," Elrond said to Legolas and Gimli. "I really don't want to face them alone...Eru knows what else they've done!"

The three travelers made their way through the dense crowds and past the bar, just as the mandolin player began to strum again. From the corner of his eye, Elrond caught sight of a new girl stepping out onto the stage. Shaking his head, he opened the door and they stepped inside the room

Elladan was sitting behind a desk, chewing on a writing quill, studying a ledger, while Elrohir sat perched on a corner of the desk, watching him.

"What's seven plus four, Elrohir?"

"Um, eleventeen?"

'Hold out your hands so I can count on your fingers."

"Great Eru and the Valar! How do you two plan to run a business? Did I not tell you NOT to cut classes all during your schooling?" Elrond asked, frowning at his bald twin sons.

"Ada...are you feeling better after your nap?" Elrohir asked, smiling at his father.

Elrond rolled his eyes, and smacked his hand over his forehead. "I truly believe your mother was smoking pipeweed when she was carrying you."

"Ada, I heard that we're uncles, now!" Elladan grinned, putting down the quill. "Is Arwen all right? Aragorn must be strutting all around Gondor! I suppose we'll need to go visit them..."

"Yes, Arwen and the baby are fine...Aragorn hasn't left their side,"

Elrond told them. "Don't bother going to Minas Tirith...you two are not allowed to speak to the baby until he's ninety."

"Well, that's not very nice! Why?" Elladan asked, rubbing his smooth head.

"That's why!" Elrond hissed, flicking Elladan on his slick scalp. "You two are ALWAYS doing things like this! I will not have my grandson picking up your bad habits!"

"Come on, Ada...we really like it! No more tiresome braiding every morning...don't need to worry about going to bed with our hair wet..."

"And you won't believe how cool it is in the summer!" Elrohir added. "So, who does the baby look like? I bet he has Aragorn's eyes and Arwen's ears, right?"

"Now that I think of it, Laddies...the babe looks quite a bit like you two!" Gimli added, eyeing the twins' shiny bald heads.

"By the way, why didn't you sail to Valinor, Ada? I thought you were leaving on the last boat out," Elladan asked.

"Circumstances beyond my control..."

"Grandmother, huh?" Elrohir interrupted. Elrond simply sighed and nodded.

"She never liked you, did she? What did you ever do to her?" Elrohir asked.

"I married her daughter, that's what I did. And fathered a pair of half-wits."

"We have other siblings?" Elladan and Elrohir asked together, looking at each other in amazement. "Why didn't you ever tell us?"

"What in all of Arda made you two do that to your heads?" Elrond asked, unable to hold it in any longer.

"Advertising. We figured that everywhere we go, people will see the name of our establishment! It's working, too. People are coming from all over Rohan to drink here."

"Yes, Laddie - I'm sure it's the _drink_ that bringing them in!" Gimli laughed. "But it seems to be true that yer business is a success!"

"Yes, it is!" Elrohir said, nodding his head. "From the first night we opened this place, we've been packed solid! Men actually wait outside in a line until a spot opens up inside...and the gold keeps rolling in."

"Whatever gave you two the idea to open such an establishment?" Elrond wanted to know, sliding the ledger around so he could read the numbers. "I have heard of no such other place in all of Middle Earth!"

"Well, Ada...you see...um..." Elladan stuttered, looking at Elrohir.

"It occurred to us many years ago, when we were just Elflings, actually, " Elrohir continued, looking back at his twin.

"Oh, you might as well just tell him, Laddies! He'll pry it out of ye sooner or later, anyway!" Gimli cried, giving Elrohir a push on the shoulder.

"Well, Ada, it came to us that summer that you and Mother traveled to Mirkwood to visit with King Thranduil...do you remember?" Elladan began, not quite meeting Elrond's eyes.

'Yes, I remember that summer. I left you two with Glorfindel...oh, no. I suppose that was my biggest mistake!"

"Glorfindel was great, Ada! He pretty much let us do whatever we pleased..." Elrohir continued, smiling at Elladan.

"Like I said, that was my biggest mistake..."

"Do you remember what we did to his boots?" Elladan asked Elrohir.

"Ha! He had to air them out for an entire month before he could wear them again!" Elrohir laughed, slapping his twin on the shoulder. The twin dissolved into a laughing fit, snorting and gasping for air.

Elrond grabbed each twin by the top of their shiny heads. "Will you please get hold of yourselves! You were saying..."

"Oh, yes...well, then Haldir came from Lorien. Grandmother sent him because she didn't think leaving us with Glorfindel was a very good idea."

"For once, I would have to agree with old hag."

"One night, Glorfindel and Haldir thought we had gone to bed, but of course, we hadn't, " Elrohir continued, a sly smile slipping onto his face. "They invited a couple of Elleths to have a pint with them. We hid under a table, and watched them play a drinking game," Elladan explained.

Elladan picked up the thread of the story. "I don't really remember all the rules of the game, but it involved something about the slowest one to finish the pint would remove an article of clothing..."

"Stop right there...I get the picture. So you put lewd Elven behavior together with sordid drinking games, and came up with this place?" Elrond asked, shaking his head at his offspring. "You two never cease to amaze me."

"Thanks, Ada!" the twins cried, smiling with pride.

"That wasn't a compliment. For your information, judging from this ledger it won't be long before this 'disrobing tavern' will close for good."

"What? What do you mean, Ada? The gold rolls in every night!"

"And rolls right back out the next morning! You two have no idea what you're doing with the finances! This book is a mess! You haven't even been really adding and subtracting the numbers...you've just been drawing little stick figures in the margins!"

"You know, Elrond...you _were _looking for something to do...that was the entire reason for your journey from Rivendell," Legolas began, raising an eyebrow at Elrond. 'You could stay here in Edoras and help the twins manage this place!"

"Ada! That's a great idea! You can take care of the figures, and we'll take care of the..._other_ figures!' Elladan said with a lecherous grin, elbowing Elrohir,

"Laddie! That be a wonderful idea! I'll tell ye something else, Laddie...methinks Minas Tirith could use a place like this! Why ye could even turn the Prancing Pony into one! That place never did recover from the Ringwraiths' last visit to Bree... Ye could own a whole string of these places, all across Middle Earth!" Gimli added with a broad smile.

"Oh no, I couldn't _possibly_..." Elrond began, shaking his head and looking with disbelief at his friends.

"Got something better to do in mind, Laddie?" asked Gimli. "Of course, ye could just sail to Valinor and spend eternity with Galadrial..."

Elrond cringed at that thought. "You've convinced me. I'll stay."

"Excellent, Ada!" Elladan cried, slamming his palm down on the ledger.

Legolas and Gimli approached Elrond, preparing to make their farewells.

"Where do you think _you're_ going? Aren't you going to stay and help?" Elrond asked, looking at the two in surprise.

"Nay, Laddie...we've our own adventures to undertake...this one is all yours!" Gimli replied, giving Elrond a hug.

"Aye, Elrond. Eventually I'll need to settle down and produce an heir for my father...but there are things I want to do first!" Legolas laughed, bidding his friend farewell.

Legolas and Gimli said goodbye to the twins as well, and wished them luck in their endeavor. As they walked out the door of the room, they heard Elrohir ask Elrond, "So Ada, just how attached are you to your hair?"

The End


End file.
